The Parent Code Broken Down: What We Say vs. What We Mean

There is a secret code that ever parent learns to speak in after a few years on the job. Though certain statements might sound innocent or even positive, they often conceal statements that are a bit saucier. Here are translations of 21 common parental phrases:

1. Momma needs a break right now. → Mom needs a stiff drink and a nap right now.
2. He just took his very first steps! → Fuuccckkk. Now it will be so much harder to watch him.
3. She’s so amazingly independent. → Don’t turn your back on her. Seriously. She will burn this house down while attempting to make cereal.
4. He’s an adorable little artist. → I found him finger painting on the bathroom wall. With his own poo.
5. Twins definitely keep you busy. → I really wish you were born separately. It would’ve been the worth the extra pregnancy.
6. Gosh, you’re just so inquisitive! → Dammit child, mind your own business.
7. We’ve just started potty training! → I’m really not looking forward to cleaning pee off of my child, myself, the floor, and the toilet for several years.
8. It’s time to play the quiet game. → Mommy needs at least 10 minutes of silence or she will lose the last bit of her remaining sanity.
9. She finally said Mama! → She never shuts up. Ever. Help.
10. He just started eating solid foods → His diaper is filled with horrific things I’ll never be able to unsee.
11. Oops, I think your toy must be broken. → I took the batteries out. And they’re never going back in.
12. She’s an extremely busy little girl. → She’s the reason for why I look like a zombie.
13. We use cloth diapers; they’re so much better for the environment → Yes, there is indeed poo in my washing machine now.
14. Hooray! No more diapers! → Ugh…public bathrooms…
15. He’s just started to feed himself. → We have bathtime at least 6 times a day now.
16. She’s quite free spirited. → She never listens to me. It’s like trying to boss around a wall.
17. We’re considering trying to make him a big brother soon! → I’m high on baby powder. Save me!
18. He’s starting to show his personality! → He won’t stop yelling at me. And I really don’t know what he wants.
19. I’m starting to worry that we might be late. → Quit chasing that beetle and get the fuck into the car.
20. He’s such a creative freethinker. → I’m starting to worry that he might be a bit weird.
21. She’s a very willful child. → She’s a major pain in the butt.

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